On September 12, 2021 I went into labor. When you think of labor you think big belly, exhausted from a long 9 months of carrying around a tiny human. You think how excited you are to finally hold this tiny person you have been making. See their hair color and eye color and who they will look more like. To learn their personality and think of all the things you will do together one day.
What you don't think about is burying your child. Hearing the words "there is no fetal heartbeat." Continuing on without the child you had plans with. Learning how to live the rest of your life with a hole in your heart.
On September 12, 2021 I went into labor. I was 14 weeks 6 days. I found out very early that I was pregnant. It was almost instantly that I got sick too. I had never been so sick with a pregnancy before. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum; extreme morning sickness.
I went in at 10 weeks and had an ultrasound. I saw my sweet baby moving around with a heartbeat of 173 which was so much higher then any of my other babies.
I was finally getting excited about having another baby even though before this I thought I was done. The boys were excited for another baby too. They had been asking for so long for another baby. They wanted a baby sister so bad. After 4 boys, I was hoping for a girl too.
By 12 weeks I was so sick, I wasn't eating or drinking. I was dying for relief I went in to see my midwife and was given an IV in hopes it would help. It did. We did a genetic blood test and a gender test. She couldn't find a heartbeat though. We weren't concerned thinking the baby was just hiding.
A week later we found out our little dinosaur was a boy. Another boy in the house. A mom of boys is what I was always meant to be apparently. I was sad but okay with welcoming another boy into my life. Chayse and Jude were sad they really wanted a sister.
During Labor day weekend we decided to go to Lake Powell to go camping. Saturday I woke up spotting and cramping a little. I thought it was just from how I slept, the change in elevation, and the dehydration. I ignored it and after a few hours it went away and we continued on our vacation. Sunday morning was the same thing cramping and spotting. I thought the worse. I texted my midwife and she said to just keep an eye on it and we would get an ultrasound when I come back. Monday no bleeding but cramping and we went home. On the way home we came up with a name for him. Ezra David Miles O'Dell.
How can you not think the worst when bleeding happens in pregnancy? Of course you hope for the best. You hope and pray that your baby is just fine. That you will continue on with your long pregnancy to deliver a beautiful healthy baby. Monday and Tuesday came with worry. I realized that my belly was smaller, that I hadn't felt the baby move yet, while still early I felt all my boys at 11 weeks.
I went in Wednesday afternoon at 14 weeks 2 days with my sister to check on Ezra. The woman wouldn't let me see the ultrasound and asked me questions about why I was there. I finally asked if my baby was okay. She said "There is no fetal heartbeat and he is only measuring 12 weeks." I lost it. Words I never wanted or thought I would hear. I sat there crying and the woman didn't know how to respond she called my midwife and told her. Seconds later she called me and told me to go to her. My sister left and got Chayse and Jude. Axel and Grayson was still with their Godmother. The rest of that day was such a blur to me. Honestly, the next few days were so busy that I didn't have time to think let alone feel. I knew if he didn't come by Sunday we were going to induce me and have him on Sunday.
Saturday night I took the pills to start the induction. I was up all night cramping and needing to go to the bathroom. At 6am they got worse. I have had very quick labors with my boys so we didn't know what to expect in time frame. So when they got worse I went into the birthing center. 9 hours. 9 hours of agonizing pain, 9 hours of the thought that my son was coming 25 weeks to early, 9 hours of knowing he will never breath the air, or feel my touch, or hear my voice. But also 9 hours of knowing he will never feel pain, hurt, loss, hunger, betrayal, heartbreak, or abandonment. I thought so many times how it didn't feel right to be in labor. My belly was to small, how my baby was to small. But it happen, he came. 3:04pm in his sack in his safe place still connected to the placenta, still left in his world that he should have been growing in for another 25 weeks.
He was so small he fit in the crease between my palm and fingers. He was grey and lifeless though, his water was grey, his umbilical cord was white as there was no blood left to connect us. My science brain kicked in in full force I didn't cry, I explored. I wanted to know about it all. I wanted to take in all of what was happening. He had all his features; ear buds, eye lids, mouth, nose, 10 fingers and 10 toes, he had his boy parts and shoulder blades, and where his spine should have been.
It was the end. I needed to go home and hold the babies I had there waiting for me. I wasn't okay. I don't think I will ever be okay. The boys miss their baby brother. They ask about him and tell me often that they miss him. They wanted to see him. So we did. Chayse and Jude held him and told him that they love him. Axel pet him and commented on all his body parts. Grayson cared only for a minute long enough to poke his head and say "I love you baby brother Ezra" and then ran back to play. I will only ever have a handful of terrible pictures of our family of 7. I will only have the fading memories of all 5 of my boys together for an hour. I will only have 223 pictures of Ezra. He will never grow bigger then he was that day and I will always have a hole in my heart from the storm that took over on September 12, 2021.
